2006 -- Some Modest Proposals

To be honest, I never keep my New Year's resolutions. But am I going to let that keep me from proposing resolutions for all of us? Not a bit!

Vote. Every chance you get.

Leave a little more space between your car and the one in front of you.

We are surrounded by idiots. Learn to deal with it without raising your blood pressure.

Turn off the vacuum cleaner, or the computer, or the TV, or the iPod. Sit outside on the grass and watch the sun set. It will do you good.

If you aren't healthy, get there. If you are, get healthier. A new influenza pandemic IS coming. The only questions are: when? and how bad? The government will not be ready to help us, and the medical establishment won't be able to. There will not be enough hospital beds, there will not be enough respirators, there will not be enough medicines or enough doctors & nurses to administer them. We are on our own.

Watch more baseball.

If you can't take the vacation of your dreams this year, start planning it. You never know. A year ago, I never would have believed I'd have tickets to Ireland.

Be nice to someone who doesn't deserve it.

And then refrain from congratulating yourself.

Every single day, do something you truly love. Even if it's only for five minutes.

Plant something. We need more oxygen.

Learn something new.

Tell someone you love them.

Mean it.

Oh, Happy WhatEVER!

And people wonder why I bury myself in fiction and genealogy? Good grief, look at the latest tempest -- all about whether we should be saying "Happy Holidays" or "Merry Christmas!"

(Aside: it must be nice to live so obliviously, that you think this is the biggest problem in the world.)

Note to the ayatollahs -- and yes, that includes you, Mr. O'Reilly -- the root of the word 'holiday' is, now brace yourself, "holy day." When you wish someone "happy holidays," you are wishing them a happy day for whatever they are celebrating, whether that be Christmas, or Hannukah, or Eid, or Kwanzaa, or Jiminy Cricket's birthday.

If anyone's going to complain about that, shouldn't it be the atheists?

So, in the interests of PC non-offensiveness, and not to forget inclusiveness, I'd like to wish you all the very best of days, every day, whether or not you or anyone else recognizes it as having some civic, personal, religious, spiritual, or commercial significance; and whether or not it has any reference to any putative deity or deities, or historical and/or mythological status of same.

Let's see Hallmark come up with a card for that one!

Blessed be, y'all.

Vote for Mama!!!

Go to time.com and vote for Mother Nature for Person of the Year, 2005.

Two reasons:
1) This award is for the "person or persons who most affected the news and our lives, for good or for ill," during the past year. From the tsunami to hurricanes to earthquakes to tornados, Mother Nature certainly qualifies more than any of the other nominees listed.

2) Can't you just hear the fundies screaming? "You're promoting paganism!!!"
Anything that raises their blood pressure is, as Martha would say, A Good Thing.

Unexpected Gifts

Sometimes the answer to our desires is, "Sure, you betcha."
Sometimes the answer is, "You gotta be kidding Me."

And sometimes . . . sometimes God chuckles, and says, "Just you wait, girl. Just you wait."

---

I've always been quite the reader. Failing all else, I'll read the cereal box while I eat breakfast. And, like many readers, I used to fancy myself a writer. Heck, I even sold two stories. OK, so one of them never saw the light of day, but still -- somebody paid actual $$ for words I wrote.

But you know how it is, Life intervenes. Things happen, jobs take up a decidedly inconvenient amount of your time, new interests present themselves. And reading truly wonderful literature (Owen Parry, anyone?) can put a real damper on any illusions you may have about your own talent.

So, while I'm still an obsessive reader, I have faced reality: you'll never see my name on the shelves at Borders.

So, what, you may ask, is the "Just you wait" part?

My daughter is writing a novel. She sends it to me and some of her friends chapter by chapter.
And as an obsessive reader, I can tell you with no trace of bias, that it's good. It's very good. I've known that since I read her idea for the back cover.

But how good it is hit truly me full force this afternoon. I was reading the latest installment in the dentist's waiting room. And suddenly I was just blown away -- not that this particular moment in the story was different, or stronger, or more emotional. I was blown away by the totality of it, and by the realization that she is so very good at something I just toyed with. Brought tears to me eyes, boyos, it did, it did. This is what we all want for our children, right? That they have it better, and that they are better.

She is. You'll never see my name on the shelves at Borders. But you'll see hers.

You betcha.

Just you wait.

Ghoulies and ghosties, etc.

I've been asked many times, over the years, how I can read & watch "that horror stuff." Vampires and monsters and ghosts and clowns in the sewers and . . . Doesn't it scare me? Doesn't it give me nightmares?

Nope. Not really.

Consider, if you will:
Hurricane Katrina was an excellent dress rehearsal for Homeland Security; a dress rehearsal for their response to the next terrorist attack on the U. S.

Go ahead. Take a moment. Let that really sink in.

Gives you a nice warm fuzzy, doesn't it?

Nope. Horror fiction and horror movies don't bother me a bit. Bring on the monsters, bring on the vampires, bring on the things that go bump in the night.

Not nearly as scary as real life.

Mommy Dearest

We think we're so smart. We think we're so powerful. We think we're so important.

And then, every once in a while, Mother Nature decides we need a reminder. Sometimes, she just taps us on the shoulder and clears her throat.

But sometimes, it's a big ol' whop upside the head that leaves us seeing stars and looking for our teeth.


Yes, there were a lot of people who could have and should have left the gulf states when Katrina headed toward them. And why they didn't, those of us at a distance may never understand.

But there were many, many, many who could not. The children, the aged, the poor, the sick, and those who stayed to look after them.

And now, as we sit in our intact, air-conditioned homes, with our full refrigerators, and bitch about what this is doing to the price of gasoline, they are living on rooftops. Pushing through water you and I would be afraid to step into in a hazmat suit. Living with dead bodies, no food, no water, no sanitation. In a city that was once a jewel of the South.

http://www.redcross.org

Please.

S.E.T., August '05, Part 2

(CNN) -- Conservative Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson has called for the United States to assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez . . .

O.K., Pat, I know it's VERY difficult, but I want you to THINK -- think very far back in your ministerial education, back when you actually believed in something other than your own arrogance:

Once upon a time, there was this guy in Palestine, who went around saying things like "forgive your enemies," "blessed are the meek," "blessed are the peacemakers."
Pop quiz, Pat -- who was that guy?

First we had "What Would Jesus Do?"
Then "Who Would Jesus Bomb?"
I guess now it's time for
"Who Would Jesus Assassinate?"

Remember When . . .

Remember when everyone thought that gas hitting $1.00/gallon would mean the End of Civilization As We Know It?

Remember when the Republicans thought a President should be impeached for lying to the public?

Remember when a woman who lost a son in battle was a Gold Star Mother, immune from attacks on her character?

Remember when those who thought fighting a war was the right thing to do, went down to the recruiter's office and signed up?

Stupid Evangelical Tricks, August '05 Edition

I think this story speaks for itself, and needs no comment from me.


Group to protest homosexuality at military funeral
Thursday, August 4, 2005
By Jon SeidelSpecial to the Daily Southtown
A Baptist group from Kansas has announced it plans to picket Friday at the funeral of Spc. Adam Harting.
Portage, Ind., police learned about the group's intentions by fax Wednesday.
"We're doing everything here to ensure the safety of everyone involved," Chief Cliff Burch said.
The Westboro Baptist Church, based in Topeka, is not specifically targeting Harting, who died in Iraq last week.
It pickets at military funerals all over the country, saying God is killing U.S. soldiers as punishment to America for allowing homosexuality.
The group also has announced plans to picket at military funerals in Minnesota, Alabama and California this week.
It protested in Valparaiso, Chesterton and Gary in 1998 after a gay-awareness poster was allowed in a Chesterton classroom.
Army Sgt. Bob Jaso, military liaison to the Harting family, said the group tries to provoke physical confrontation with mourners.
Because the funeral home and cemetery where Harting will be buried are private property, Jaso said, pickets will not be able to get any closer than the sidewalk across the street.
"Even if they yell something, they're still going to be far enough away that they can be ignored," Jaso said.
At other funerals, Jaso said, people were able to block the group from being seen.
Harting, 21, a 2002 graduate of Portage High School, died July 25 in Samarra, Iraq, from an explosive device.
He was a member of the 3rd Battalion, 69th Armor Regiment, 1st Brigade Combat Team, 42nd Infantry Division, based in Fort Stewart, Ga.
The Post-Tribune of Northwest Indiana

Fourteen

Fourteen Marines killed in Iraq today.

That was all it said, the link on cnn.com yesterday. You know, in the little section at the bottom of other stories. It wasn't even at the top of its section; it was second, after a link to a story about the shuttle spacewalk.

Fourteen Marines killed in Iraq today.

Fourteen Marine reserves. All from the same Ohio unit. A unit that had already lost five just on Monday. Fourteen Marines, killed "when a huge bomb destroyed their lightly armored vehicle, hurling it into the air in a giant fireball." (Associated Press)
And note, please, the phrase "lightly armored."

Fourteen Marines killed in Iraq today.

So, what did you do last night after work? I fed the animals. Watered the plants. Looked at microfiche viewers on Ebay. Rejoiced that my favorite Twins player saved the day.

No funeral to plan.

No friends and relatives to call with the bad news.

No child to hold, and try to explain why Daddy won't be coming home.

Fourteen Marines killed in Iraq today.

I wonder what the Liar-in-Chief did last night.

Once Upon a Time in America

Don't you just love holiday weekends? No, really, I'm not being sarcastic (surprise!). A little time to relax, maybe catch a game; grill some steak once the temp drops below 100; sleep a little late in the morning.

And maybe, just maybe, reflect a bit on the meaning of this particular holiday.


Read this.
Please.
It's important.

Or at least, it used to be.

And the reason for this is . . . ????

Jonathan Flores just graduated last year from John Jay High School in San Antonio. He was a polite kid, active in his school, with twin kid brothers who idolized him.

"Flores . . . was killed Tuesday in Iraq by a roadside bomb near Fallujah."

There were no WMDs.

There was no link between Saddam and 9/11.

But Jonathan Flores is dead. Another sacrifice to the egos of a few megalomaniacs with way too much power and way too little humanity. Another sacrifice to making the reputation of a man who doesn't want to be known as just "the son." Another sacrifice, in short, to stupidity.

Jonathan was only 18 years old.

Only in Texas

Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages -- gather 'round, for I have a confession to make:

I have been disrespectful of the Texas Legislature.

Yes, I know, it's difficult to believe (unless, of course, you happen to have read the previous post). But I assure you, it's true. I have joked about their incompetence. I have bewailed the start of session. I have referred to Will Rogers' comment about not writing jokes, just reporting on Congress.

Mea culpa, mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa.

But I have seen the error of my ways. I have turned a new leaf. I have . . . oh, enough already. You want to know what caused this change of heart, don't you?

The Texas Lege, folks, has now set a new standard of speed and efficiency. A new standard which I defy any other state body -- nay, even the U.S. Congress -- to meet, much less exceed.

In the waning hours of the current session, a committee was needed to iron out the differences between the House and Senate versions of the same bill. The committee would have to work out a compromise, write and issue a report and get it to the reps so a vote could be taken. With mere hours to go, House Speaker Tom Craddick named the House members of the committee on Saturday morning. A very short deadline, as the session was due to end Sunday.

But not to worry!! In an unmatched display of a heretofore-unseen sense of urgency, the committee's report was printed and distributed on Friday!!! Yes, you read that right, the committee wrote, published, and distributed the report before the members were even named!!!

And to add to their glory, the humble public servants who managed this miracle insist upon anonymity. Not one single person is claiming credit for this feat.

Take that, you other 49 states. Only in Texas!!!!

The Texas Lege

God love 'em. Certainly nobody else with a brain could.

OK, put yourself in this position: you are a legislator in a state with, among others, the following issues:
* kids are dying regularly because Child Protective Services is massively underfunded and understaffed;
* teachers are up in arms because you're trying to cut their pensions when you just voted yourself a $6000 raise:
* your state contains at least one of the fattest cities in the universe;
* an abysmal high school dropout rate.

So, what's your priority?

Why, isn't it obvious? Passing a bill to put a ban on same-sex marriages in the state constitution.
It gets better. The sponsor of the bill, with a perfectly straight face, claimed that the bill "is not anti-gay."

*sigh*

I recall, in the Gospels, harsh words from Jesus about hypocrites, and about those who look down on others as "not as good" as themselves.
But homosexuality?

Not one single word.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?

So, what is it with genealogy, anyway?

Sure, some people just dabble in it. They start with Grandpa and work back; they may sit down and do a Google search on a rainy day; and eventually, when they hit a dead end, they give up and watch "The Apprentice."

And then there are the rest of us. The ones who live, breathe, and dream it. The ones who wake up at 3 a.m. wondering, "Did I ever check 19th century Kentucky land records for him?" The ones who see a request for volunteers & say, "I can fit in one more project!" (at least, until the dust bunnies start mutating).
Like Glenda, who types up old Rochester, New York newspaper articles at an amazing rate, & sends them to the Monroe County list so the rest of us can find our ancestors (or just read fun stories about life in the "old days").
Like the Smiths, who took Microsoft Access as a base and developed an entire software program just for the small subset of genealogists who do one-name studies.
Like Julia, maintaining a whole inter-related series of webpages for the Cornwall OPC project, while still looking for volunteers for the 'orphan' parishes.

You laugh?

My current projects:
The general family history, of course. Working backward and sideways in all directions. Currently featuring 3,751 persons in the database, with more contributions from distant cousins sitting here awaiting input. Not to mention the two books of Ohio records that should be arriving in a couple of weeks (have to find ggg/grandma Fannie Strickland's maiden name, you know -- how else will I trace her family back?).

The One-Name-Study for Samble and variants (Sambel, Sambell). Why? The earliest-known ancestor (in an English-speaking country so I can actually do the research) is a Samble. Not that common a name, so quite possibly all related.
And the earliest Samble record (currently) is found in the little parish of Landulph, in Cornwall, which brings us to --

The Landulph OPC project. Cornwall genealogists started the Online Parish Clerk project in the 1990's, with the goal of every parish having an OPC to collect and transcribe parish records. (The project is now catching on in some other areas of England). So, I have here a set of scans of Landulph's parish records, going back to 1540. Of course, I wimped out and started with the most recent and most legible, but eventually, it's Latin, here I come!

Transcribing the 1870 Wilson County (TX) census for Rootsweb. Why? Just for grins, I guess; I've got no ancestors here.
Actually, there is a reason. I have found so much info on my ancestors that would not have been available to me if someone hadn't transcribed it and put it on the internet -- it just seemed like I should do something for the home county. And I should be done in a couple of months, so I can strike this one off the list (of course, I already have my eye on another project to replace it . . .).

And speaking of Rootsweb, I belong to the legion of volunteers who administer the mailing lists and message boards; our main duties being to keep the spammers and other idiots away. If you have small, quiet lists & boards, like I do, it takes very little time.

Last but not least, currently on hold but not forgotten, The Lamberts of Southern Illinois. Which I am very much afraid will someday branch out into The Lamberts of Tennessee. Because I AM going to find more of Hezekiah's family someday. Whether they like it or not!!

OCD?
You decide. I don't have time. There's some faded 16th-century handwriting to be deciphered . . .

Too Strange to Be Fiction

So there's this guy in Australia who is fighting in court to keep his wife on life support. She may or may not survive if the ventilator is removed; but she will surely die if her feeding tube is removed.

Terry Schiavo in reverse? The husband fighting to keep his beloved wife alive, against all odds?

Well, not exactly.

The reason the lady in question is on life support is that said husband tried, and failed, to strangle her to death. She was found, days later, locked in the trunk of a car.

And if she dies, he faces murder charges, rather than attempted murder.

And here's the capper, folks; and if you have a drink in your hand, put it down now:

According to his attorney, Mr. Husband is fighting against letting her die "for religious reasons."

*sigh*

Upon this rock . . .

Habemus papam. We have a Pope.

*sigh*

I tell you true. Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was not my first choice. In fact, he wasn't in my top 50. His reputation has changed over the years; and not, in my view, for the better. Once upon a time, in those heady days of Vatican II when Blessed John XXIII's "fresh air" was blowing through the Church, Ratzinger was in the forefront. He believed in the reform of the liturgy. He found theological justification for the bishops having a greater voice in the governance of the Church. He was, in short, one of the "good guys."

And now?

Now his reputation is not just conservative, but borders on the reactionary. Collegiality? No justification. Altars? Turn 'em back around. Don't think my way? Take the highway, bud.

I tell you true. My heart sank when his name was announced. This is the man who thinks the priest-abuse scandal is a bunch of media hype. Who ordered a Sister here in the US to stop her ministry to gays. Who said that Turkey doesn't belong in the European Union because it's not a Christian country (and how many of the European countries are, anymore?). And this in the midst of all the overtures John Paul II was making to other faiths!!!

Worst-case scenario: he gathers a core of hard-liners around him, and together they fracture the Church even further. America continues to drift away; Europe continues to de-Christianize; the Asian church feels more and more abandoned; and South America says "We told you so! Should've elected a Latin!" And that way lies schism.

OTOH --
Best-case scenario: he grows into his office, as did the late, great Oscar Romero. Being responsible for the entire Church gives him a wider view, a greater concern for the welfare of souls than the technical points of doctrine. The compassionate side of him that his students loved comes back to the forefront. His universally-acknowledged excellence in theology leads him to a discovery entirely new to some in the hierarchy: the Sermon on the Mount. And he takes, as his choice of names indicates he may, the lead of Pope Benedict XV, who's first encyclical basically said: "Cut out the name-calling, guys, we're all in this together."

Actually, I don't think either scenario will play out entirely. I think it will be something between the two. I suspect many of us won't be happy with some of his stands, just as we weren't with JPII's. But Benedict doesn't have the charisma to make us love him anyway.
But if the reactionaries start complaining that he hasn't brought back the Counter-Reformation; and the radicals start complaining that we don't have a completely different church yesterday, then perhaps he will be on the right track, and can keep things together for the five or six years he probably has.
He is, after all, 78 years old.
So, I will hope. Hope that we have more of scenario 2 than scenario 1. Hope that the promise holds true: ". . . the gates of Hell will not prevail against it [the church]." Hope that the Cardinals listened well, and that Benedict XVI indeed is the choice, for whatever reasons, of the Holy Spirit.

I tell you true. I love this country, not because of it's leadership, but often in spite of them. The same holds true for the Church. Pope Benedict XVI, may he reign wisely, is not "The Church," any more than George W. Bush is the United States. The
Roman Catholic Church has survived worse, and probably will again.

The People of God remain.

So Long, Farewell, Goodbye

One more time, John Paul II has drawn the world together.

The man who, in life, was seen in the flesh by more people than any other one person in history; in death, brings us together again for the largest funeral in history.

And some do not understand why. Why did people stop their lives to board a plane, a train, a bus; travel hundreds or thousands of miles; stand in line for up to 24 hours; all to spend a few seconds in the presence of (strictly speaking) a dead body?

Because he was John Paul II. John Paul the Great.

---

One more time, Pat Buchanan has it all wrong. He was on TV the other night, rambling on about how the crowds this pope drew in life and in death prove that the mass of people are more conservative than we think -- that they were there because they agreed with John Paul on birth control, on female priests, on homosexuality.

Wrong again, PB. Your record continues unstained.

We loved John Paul no matter the issues on which we agreed or disagreed with him. We loved him because he didn't tell us what the latest polls said he should, or what would keep him in good favor with somebody or other, or what would make him a place in history.

He spoke the truth as he saw it. And he spoke that truth in love.

In a world that shrugs off genocide; where expediency rules; where the idea of a person's word being their bond is laughable; where horrors beyond the belief of our grandparents are routinely part of the evening news -- in this world, so barren of love and so hungry for it, he loved us. Mistakes he made, of course, and errors in judgement, as do all humans; but they were not errors of self-interest, or of the easy way out. And how many of us can say that?

Here is what the Pat Buchanans of the world do not, will not, cannot understand: love speaks louder than any doctrine, than any political philosophy, than any pundit's opinion. Love speaks to love, heart speaks to heart, and in so speaking, sweeps away all else.

And now that Love that is the underpinning of the universes, has called a bit of its own back to Itself. And burns the brighter for it.

---

One more time: John Paul Two, we love you.

Ora pro nobis.

Requiescat in Pace

John Paul II is the only Pope I've ever known.

He was already Pope when I entered the Catholic Church. I live in a parish founded by Polish settlers; still made up largely of descendants of those settlers; and served by a priest born and raised in Poland.

There is a hole in our hearts today.

But not just ours. Friday, after it became evident that he was sinking fast, several Protestants mentioned to me how much it was affecting them. In St. Peter's Square on Saturday, Jews came to pay their respects. Muslims prayed for him on Friday, their sabbath.

The pundits will spit out reams, I'm sure, telling us why he was so important, why his death affects so many outside the Church. They will talk about world leaders, and about Communism, and about the balance of power. But I have a very simple explanation.

He loved us.

By "us," I don't mean just Catholics. He loved people, all people; and they knew that, and responded to it. People lined up by the hundreds of thousands to see him pass by in the distance; no matter how he or they felt about birth control, celibacy, female priests. It was his love for them that brought them out. Brought them out in the heat, in the cold, in the rain; brought them out to sing "JP 2, we love you!"

One of the titles of the pontiff is "Servant of the Servants of God." Few popes, unfortunately, have truly embodied that title.
John Paul II did.

Karol Wojtyla
laborer, author, priest
Servant of the Servants of God
1920 - 2005

" . . . and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest."

Terri Shiavo, RIP

Nope, not going to argue the case. It's over now, at least for Terri; and it's all too, too sad anyway.

So why blog? Because we all should have learned something here. And the lesson is:
PUT IT IN WRITING!

If you do not have a living will/physician's directive/medical power of attorney/whatever, do it now. You can go on the internet and find forms that correspond to your state's specific laws. And find a form that lets you be specific. Don't just say that you don't want "extraordinary measures" taken. Ask three people to define "extraordinary measures," and you'll get at least four definitions. One doctor might not consider it extraordinary to have you on a ventilator for a year. Another might consider water extraordinary if you can't swallow it yourself.

"But I'm young!" you say.
Terri was 26 when she collapsed. I don't care if you're 18-and-a-day. You could be in a car wreck tomorrow.

"But I trust my spouse/parent/significant other to make the right decision."
Yeah, but how do you know the hospital and/or doctors will, if you don't have it in writing? How do you know that Congress, which of course has nothing else to do, won't try to intervene? What if your spouse/parent/significant other isn't there? What if they're too emotionally devastated to think about it? What if they're in the same wreck?

Put it in writing. Do it now. Don't put your family through what Terri's parents & husband have been through for the last 15 years.

Nobody deserves that.

Stupid Catholic Tricks, March '05 Edition

Friends & neighbors, children of all ages -- only the 22nd of the month, and already we have TWO contenders!

In this corner . . .
Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone. Who, two years after its release, has suddenly decided to "warn" us against Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code."

His Eminence's objections? The book "aims to discredit the Church and its history through gross and absurd manipulations." And, "I think I have the responsibility to clear things up to unmask the cheap lies."

Manipulations? Lies? It's a NOVEL, fer-cryin'-out-loud!!!!
Repeat after me, Bertie: Novels are fiction. Fiction, by definition, is MADE UP!!!!!!!!!!! (You understand 'made up,' Bertie; that's like the hierarchy's early statements on the pedophilia scandal.) If it were all true, IT WOULDN'T BE A NOVEL!!!

But, wait, folks, it gets worse!
Cardinal Bertone is widely touted as being among the papabile, the potential successors to the papacy.

Angels and ministers of grace, defend us!

---

And in this corner. . .
(thanks to Third Base Line for this nomination)
Bishop Robert Brom, of San Diego. Bishop Brom refused a Catholic funeral Mass to John McCusker, who died at the horribly young age of 31 from congestive heart failure. Mr. McCusker's funeral services were held at an Episcopal church.

And the crime for which he was denied the Mass?

He owned a bar and dance club popular with gays. (He was gay himself, but the His Excellency's stated reason for cancelling the funeral service was "the clash between McCusker's business activities and the church's moral teachings).

Now, mind you, John Geoghan received a full funeral Mass. John Geoghan, who dishonored the word "human," who disgraced the priesthood, who committed assault & battery upon the Church that supported him most of his life, who attempted to destroy numerous young lives -- John Geoghan, pedophile 'priest,' had a funeral Mass.

John McCusker, small business owner, did not.

Kyrie Eleison.

Important Award Announcement

Even though it's early in the year, it seems painfully obvious that there will be an abundance of entries for the "Stupid Catholic Tricks" section of this blog. Embodying the philosophy "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade!" Fourth Pew, Center proudly announces the creation of:
(drum roll, please)

the Annual Bernard Cardinal Law Award!

The winner will be chosen each year from persons and events blogged in "Stupid Catholic Tricks." To qualify, one must perform acts of extraordinary dishonor to the Roman Catholic Church. Extra points are awarded for doing so in Latin.

The award itself will be a small New Testament with all the inconvenient passages -- such as "Judge not," "The greatest of these is love," and so forth -- deleted.
Accompanying this will be a small, cheaply printed card, commemorating the qualifying event.

Voting will take place in early January. Nominations are encouraged throughout the year. There will be no provisional ballots, exit polls, or legal wrangling. Ballot-box stuffing is encouraged. Decision of the judge (me) is final.

Little Jessica

Little Jessica Lunsford is dead.
We suspected, as time went on, but now we know.
Little Jessica, of the painted-on Halloween face, of the mega-watt smile.
Little Jessica, whose disappearance froze the heart of every parent who watches the news.

And do you know why she is dead?

Because we still do not fully grasp the fact that sex offenders do not rehabilitate.

If that man had been locked up for life, as he should have been, Jessica would be alive.
Her family's hearts would not be broken.
And yesterday would have been a better day.

Does It Get Any Better Than This?

Early March . . .
south Florida . . .
sunshine . . .
light breezes . . .
vacation with your daughter . . .

Does it get any better?

Well, yes, actually, it does.

All the above, plus --
Minnesota Twins SPRING TRAINING!!!!!

Spring training, when:

· The Boys are back at it, and the AA and AAA prospects get a chance to show their stuff right along side them.
· Baseball is played as it was meant to be played: in the afternoon, under the open sky, on real grass.
· You can get both of the autographs you most wanted within 5 minutes of each other just because your seats are in the fourth row from the field.
· (And seats in the fourth row from the field don’t cost the GNP of a medium-sized nation.)
· An attendance figure of 7000 is a darn good turnout.
· The crowd, largely made up of escapees from the Arctic Tundra, applaud the announcement of the game-time temperature (which is always in the 70's).
· Faxes are not piling up in front of you, clients are not complaining that they only get what they pay for, bills are stacking up 4 states away. All that matters is that distinctive crack of the bat, the beautiful arc of a ball perfectly thrown in from the outfield, the seventh-inning stretch . . .
The Game.

Nope, doesn’t get any better.


“The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again . . .”

P.S.
Dear Bart,
We miss you.
signed,
Baseball

Stupid 'Educator' Tricks, Feb. '05 Edition

Thomas Paine (you should already know this) was one of the most important figures in early United States history. His writings, especially "Common Sense," used to be required reading for anyone who pretended to any degree of literacy. (Remember literacy? But I digress.)

In France in 1794, he published a pamphlet called "The Age of Reason," in which he attacked Christianity as superstition. (On the other hand, three years later, he criticized French schools for teaching science without emphasizing the role of a Creator. But I digress again.)

Professor Emeritus Forrest McDonald, of the U of Alabama, does not assign this piece to his students. Why? Because, he says, many of them are deeply religious and might be offended.

Might be offended!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

This is what parents & young adults are spending their hard-earned college tuition money for?
To protect students from anything that disagrees with their own views, so they don't have to think? This is what "education" has come to -- don't teach them to think, wrap them in cotton so they don't have to? Geesh, might hurt themselves.

I'm offended. Somebody come protect me.

New Rule

Anyone who, with a straight face, uses the phrase "in the now," or talks about having an object "have a conversation with the space," is automatically booted from my universe.

Permanently.

Stupid Evangelical Tricks, January '05 Edition

LOS ANGELES, California (Reuters) -- Conservative Christian groups accuse the makers of a video starring SpongeBob SquarePants, Barney and a host of other cartoon characters of promoting homosexuality to children.

Oh, my goodness, where to begin? What can you say about a mindset -- and I use the word "mind" loosely -- that even thinks of crap like this? Didn't they get laughed at enough when Jerry Falwell "outed" one of the Teletubbies?

THESE ARE KIDS' CARTOON CHARACTERS, FER-CRYIN'-OUT-LOUD!!!!! What's next? Don't Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd hang out together an awful lot? (Ooohh, there's one for this crowd -- bestiality!) How about Bugs & Daffy Duck? Or Wiley Coyote and the Road Runner? Don't you think that if Wiley was REALLY serious about it, he'd have caught that darn bird by now? What's going on behind the scenes, huh? Why are they so intent on making us believe that WC is chasing RR when he's obviously not? Hmmm?

Don't EVEN bring up Batman and Robin; I mean, jeesh, can you get any more obvious? And what about the Fantastic Four? Aren't those weirdos just a little TOO chummy?

Ya know, I'm beginning to wonder about Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson . . .

Mama Nature

Story in yesterday's paper: several 'primitive' tribes on an island off India survived the tsumani, despite the fact that they would normally have been fishing at that time of day.
Why?
Because they fled the shores for higher ground, well before the waves arrived.
Said one scientist: "They have a sixth sense we don't possess."

He may have the science degree, but I beg to differ. I'll bet you that we do have it.

We've just allowed it to wither on the vine.

Consider how modern homo sapiens lives. We work & live under artificial light whether the sun is up or not. We breathe filtered air, we drink bottled water. We keep our vehicle windows rolled up whether we're in exhaust-producing traffic or not, and whether the temperature is 10 below, 110 in the shade, or a pleasant 75. We bundle up if the temperature goes down just a few degrees, and turn on the a/c if it gets above 70. We head straight for the antibacterial soap if we get a little dirt on our hands.

We are terrified of sunlight -- skin cancer! We're terrified of rain -- my hair! We have to get our weather reports from TV, radio, or the computer; even if we do go outside and "brave the elements," we have no idea what any of it means. I am the only person I know who sees a difference in the sunlight at the spring & fall changes of season. We have divorced ourselves from the mother of us all -- Mother Nature, Mother Earth.

Am I saying that we should live like the stone-age tribes? Heck, no. For one thing, most of us wouldn't survive. For another, I have no desire to live in a world without antibiotics.

But have we lost something in the bargain?

You betcha.

Stupid Catholic Tricks, January '05 Edition

At St. John the Baptist School in Costa Mesa, California, some parents are up in arms over the enrollment of two kindergarten pupils. They are screaming to high heavens (you should excuse the expression) that these menaces to Holy Mother Church must be removed. Or else they will remove their own children. And/or appeal to the Vatican, to boot.

And what danger do these small children present? Do they carry the Ebola virus? Have they been diagnosed, at this tender age, as psychotic killers? Are they, perhaps, evangelical Satanists?

Worse, my friends, far worse.

Their parents are a gay male couple.

OK, class, let's review. If adults do something of which you do not approve, the Christian response is to deny their children an education.
????????????????????????????????
And if we can't do that -- hey, let's deny our OWN children an education!!!
Pitchforks & torches, anyone?

The pastor, God love him, refused comment except to say that the important thing here is the children's education.

And we wonder why anti-Catholicism is the last "acceptable" prejudice.